Defining a red traffic light

A simple, yet oh-so-true definition of a red light

Red Light

    A place where you meet the fellow that passed you going 80 mph a little ways up the road.

Airplane makes urgent call to the control tower

Proving once again that the oldest answers can still be the best

A control tower received the urgent radio message: “One engine is dead.  Gasoline is leaking. One of my wing flaps is broken.  My oil pressure is near zero.  What should I do?”

The response: “Repeat after me, ‘Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name ...’”

Some differences between men and women

A *very* humorous list of some of the differences between men and women

1. A man will pay Rs. 2 for a Rs. 1 item he wants. A woman will pay Rs. 1 for a Rs. 2 item that she doesn’t want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow seem to deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

The Mistake Test

See if you can do this. Read each line aloud without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake you MUST start over or it won't work.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is moron cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top...

The Dumbest People Ever

A medical student was working in the toxicology department at the poison control center. A woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. The medical student quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. The student told the mother that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.

Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the work field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is automatically activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

Stopping by the office

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive`s wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.

No dial tone

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I'm from the local telephone company, I've come here to activate your phone lines"
 

Bill gates in heaven

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.

One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven`s many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I`ve been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."
"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.

"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you`re showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better?!!"

"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."
 

Impossible to Please

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
 

Johnny & the bus driver

Little Johnny has a speech impediment. His father taught to him to always be polite to people.

The first day of school, Johnny gets on the bus, remembering what his father told him, says to the bus driver, "Doog moaning buth driber,"

The bus driver slaps him in the mouth, and sends him to the back of the bus.

This goes on for four days.
Finally, Johnny tells his father the problem, "Fatter you tell me to be pollite, but when I do the buth driber shlaps my in ma faith."

His father says, "Tomorrow I will wait at the bus with you."

The next day, there they are waiting for the bus. When it arrives Johnny’s father says, "Go on Johnny get on the bus and be polite."

Johnny does but looks to his father with fear in his eyes.

His father says, "Go on Johnny."

So Johnny, wanting to be as polite as possible says, "Doog moaning buth driber."

With that the bus driver raises his hand in an attempt to strike Johnny in the face, but before he can Johnny father grabs the drivers hand.

He asks, "Why do you smack my son, when all he is doing is being polite?"

The bus driver says, "Betause heeth making fun of me"