Man to miser: Why do you always remove the batteries from the clock and keep them outside?
Miser: I want to extend the battery life and hence I put them in the clock only when I want to see the time.
 

Once X asked Y, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"

Y said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."

X asked, "Can you explain?"

Y said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."

Still not convinced, X asked Y "Give me some examples"

Y said, "Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"

X asked, "Then what is your role?"

Y said, "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iraq, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe, whether to widen African economy, whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire etc. Do you know one thing, my wife NEVER objects to any of these".

GOT A MATCH?

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and theyre all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. Theyre each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them.

The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.

At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guys cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. Im so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific."

They open up the second guys door. He comes out with his wife, and theyve got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiuful new family. I love it."

They open up the third guys door, and hes slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"
 

A japanese couple have illegitimate twins, what do they name them?
Answer: Jo Hua , So hua
 

A french fry walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Hay , could I get a beer please"
The bartender looks at him shacking his head and say "No, we don't serve food here"

A mushroom walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Hay , could I get a beer please"
The bartender looks at him shacking his head and say "No, we don't serve food here"
The mushroom says "Why not I'm a Fungi!"
 

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and was blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia!

Did you hear about the new French tank?
Yeah, it has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes forward in case the enemy attacks from behind.

Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it’s important.

The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news.
"Ma," he shouted: "The results are in. I won the election!"
"Honestly?"
The politician's smile faded: "Aw, hell, Ma, why bring that up at a time like this?"