GOT A MATCH?

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and theyre all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. Theyre each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them.

The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.

At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guys cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. Im so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific."

They open up the second guys door. He comes out with his wife, and theyve got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiuful new family. I love it."

They open up the third guys door, and hes slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"
 

A japanese couple have illegitimate twins, what do they name them?
Answer: Jo Hua , So hua
 

A french fry walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Hay , could I get a beer please"
The bartender looks at him shacking his head and say "No, we don't serve food here"

A mushroom walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Hay , could I get a beer please"
The bartender looks at him shacking his head and say "No, we don't serve food here"
The mushroom says "Why not I'm a Fungi!"
 

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and was blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia!

Did you hear about the new French tank?
Yeah, it has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes forward in case the enemy attacks from behind.

Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it’s important.

The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news.
"Ma," he shouted: "The results are in. I won the election!"
"Honestly?"
The politician's smile faded: "Aw, hell, Ma, why bring that up at a time like this?"

A doctor told his patient that his test results indicated that she had a rare disease and had only six months to live.
"That's such a short amount of time, doctor. Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient.
"Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised: "It will be the longest six months of your life."

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied: "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."